Lovely Awkward: A Year of Wine, Romance and Life Among the French

Lovely Awkward: A Year of Wine, Romance and Life Among the French

Wednesday 13 January 2010

Feeling scared, like a big stupid whimp

I think today is my freak-out day. Two days ago, everything was about the visa. Yesterday was about skiing and sucking in the last of the Canadian experience.

And today... reality has set in. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but the feeling is sort of like the anticipation of homesickness. I think it's a preemptive freak-out, just so the real one (if it happens) won't take me by surprise. I'm hoping it expires at midnight.

The questions: what am I getting myself into? What if I get hurt? What if I get hurt and feel trapped with a year-long visa? What if I'm living in a bubble? What if I'm crazy taking this leap? What if the leap isn't crazy, but I'm crazy right now?

The worst part is that I'm worrying the Professor, but he has nothing to worry about. NOTHING! (This time, I really hope he's reading the blog -- although I've told him this in real life, too.)

I know the answers. I can come home if I'm not happy. I can change my plans and continue to travel. The experience will be good no matter how it turns out... I know... I know. But I think I need this one day of regression first...

Scene: me, wearing hoody (with hood up), packing prematurely while cleaning my room, watching Glee, hoping it will change my mood. I have my grumpy face on as though I'm a five-year-old who is afraid all of the good crayons have been taken. I'll put my strong-woman-facing-lifetime-of-romance face back on in half an hour.

Geez... are these real stages or am I making this stuff up?


  1. These are totally real stages. Why do you think I haven't gotten off my arse and left Canada yet? Because I'm so scared of all the things you are, too... However, I've decided that there'll never be enough money, enough time, enough anything to get ready and go, and so I'm going to work on my leave of absence letter tonight and submit by Monday.

    You'll be fine, you know you will. What you're fearing is natural, but you're so going to rock it, no matter the outcome. You're following your bliss and striking out and doing something 'unconventional'... totally scary, but wow... what opportunities it will bring. :)

  2. Oh, Andrea. You're great. Isn't this why we started talking in the first place? This stuff is hard! And lonely! And scary! And... ugh. Exhilarating most days even if exhausting today.

    I'm so glad you're working on your leave of absence letter... or that you've made some decisions! Making a leap is hard, but being in limbo can be even worse.

    Good luck. Let me know when you send it in.


  3. There's no "what if" don't want to spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been?!

    It's almost midnight your time, so no more preemptive freak-out. It's going to expire in about 45 minutes....


  4. Kerry, you're great, too! The fact that I get to see a fellow Canadian take this leap inspires me to do so, too! Even if it takes me a while to get going :) And I'm taking it anyway, even if the Italian and I are having problems at the moment. I have to go on an adventure, regardless. It's time.

    I'll let you know when the letter is in ;)